Shooting the rapids...

[domoore]

Well, that is how it seems to me. I feel like I am getting ready to shoot the rapids and I am not even wearing a life jacket! Heaven help me! What was I thinking??!!

It has been two years since Donald’s death. That fact alone is hard for me to believe. But God is faithful- and He does heal the broken hearted. There was a time that I never believed my heart could heal—the wounding was so deep and complete. And now, I enter a new season in my life. My heart has healed and I am beginning to fully embrace my life with a renewed sense of completeness and hope. I wake up and look forward to most days and more importantly, do not suffer from pain and loneliness as I once did. Hallelujah!

As a young widow, I have had to learn to take my trust in God to new levels. I confess that this has not always been an easy thing to do. My natural tendency is to want to stamp my foot and pout. I want to scream out—“Lord, this isn’t fair! I don’t want to do this alone! I didn’t choose this path!” But I put such foolishness away from myself and lean a little more on the Lord. And now, I am entering another new season of change.

Donald‘s expressed wish at the time of his death was that I would stay home so long as the little ones were home. I have faithfully fulfilled that wish- living on a shoestring budget and much prayer. It was a good decision and for the best. Being home the last two years has afforded me the rare luxury of fully grieving without the added distraction and headache of working full time outside the home. I have been free to embrace my new role as head of the household. I have been able to mourn and grieve as I have needed and had the freedom to begin setting new goals. In short, I have had the freedom to learn how to live again.

Last year, I enrolled my youngest in the local Head Start program. In the meantime, I began working part time as a substitute teacher. It was nice to have a gradual transition into the work place and I am very thankful that I have been blessed in this way. There are not too many widows who can afford this much time at home- and I thank God that He provided this opportunity for us. This school year, however, I am employed full time. I have been employed as a Junior High and High School English teacher- and I truly do feel like I am committed to wild and woolly, river rafting trip!

Two weeks ago, I began my “official” first contract day at school. Of course, it was a teacher in-service day without the students. But still, antici pation electrified the air all around and through out the school building. On the second teacher in-service day, I woke up and had this very thought, “My goodness! I feel like I am getting ready to shoot the rapids and I don’t even have a life vest!” Of course, the thought made me laugh! And even though I have NEVER been white water rafting in my life, I can’t help but feel that teaching school full time must be an awful lot like “shooting the rapids!” And especially for the first year teacher—a great deal like white water rafting without a life vest!

As I pondered that thought- the thought of white water rafting and “shooting the rapids”- I came to realize the first very important fact. Once you are committed to the boat and the boat is in the water, there is no turning back! Likewise, once I signed that teaching contract and agreed to teach I was committed to complete the job. I was okay with the idea back spring, but on the outset of my teaching journey this year—I couldn’t help but feel a certain amount of dread. It is a strange thing to be launched from the familiarity of solid ground into unknown waters. And stranger still is the fear of the unknown and the thrill of the trip- it is strange to experience two conflicting feelings at the same time. One could even safely say that I was filled with a certain amount of sheer terror in those first couple of days! But truly it is a paradox- for mingled with terror was excitement and the thrill of adventure!

The next thing that occurred to me as I started this journey was that I would have the opportunity to see a new and beautiful land. I love creeks and rivers. I really enjoy the beautiful countryside and soak in the view wherever I go. As I thought about this “white water rafting,” it occurred to me that I will pass through a great deal of beautiful scenery. I don’t want to miss the view along the way! I don’t want to miss the scenery from being too focused on the river and all the jostles, jolts, rocks and drops!

As I paddled through my first few days of teaching, I couldn’t help but think about a few “what ifs!” For instance, one thought that came to mind was this: what if I capsize? Will anyone know? Will anyone miss me? Do I have a life vest? What if I lose my life vest? What if I take a wrong turn- and head down the wrong fork of the river? What if there is a waterfall? What if I get lost? Such worry could easily consume a person. So I push the worry away and trust God. I know He has prepared me thus far for the journey and I would not be in this place- if I were not prepared and able.

But then, I still couldn’t help but wonder about the life vest. What if I capsize? What if I end up under water!? I spoke these words in a laughing way the day before school started. Much to my amazement, I was handed a bag of “Lifesaver” candy the morning school started! I laughed in spite of myself! I know this little gift meant that others would watch out for me and help me as needed! What a great joy it has been to discover this is in fact the truth!

Now, I have nearly two full weeks under my belt! I am thrilled to report that school is going well. While I am terribly busy—more so than I have ever been—I also know that the journey will be thrilling and full of adventure! I am enjoying the opportunity of fully investing myself in youth and am thankful for this teaching job. While there are still “rapids” ahead to face and navigate, I know that I am not alone. I have many others in the river with me- some way ahead of me in terms of experience and know-how. But there are others who are joining me for the “first” trip down river. It is nice to know that I am not in this alone! Now, I can’t help but wonder how many of us will sign up for another year. I wonder how many will survive the first year—and if I will be numbered among those surviving and then returning next year for another “trip!”

I don’t mind sharing that I am completely spent by the end of each day. How could I not be? I am a widow- and a single mother to five very active kids. I am so fully exhausted that I must surely fall asleep before I even hit the bed! I find myself up by 5:30 each morning- and not getting to bed until after 10:30 or ll: 00 P.M. each night. I imagine white water rafting must be the same—so intense that every muscle fiber and tendon is alert in a heightened sense of awareness. So too, have I been each day. I must be fully awake and aware to the moment. I must be on guard and make corrections in course as warranted. I am fully awake and focused on the job at hand. I want to do this job well and not only this job of teaching- but also—my first and most important job, which is to be a parent. I want to be a good mother. I want to be a good teacher- to change lives around me- and invest in others in a positive way. I suspect that in order to go white water rafting, a person must be in fairly decent shape and fairly disciplined. This is also true with teaching full time as a single mom. In order to do that all must be done—I must be on top of my game- playing both a good offense and defense.

Another thought occurs to me- and I am ONLY just beginning to recognize this truth. When you are “shooting the rapids” you only take what is necessary. Often times- this means leaving things behind. For instance- a suitcase stuffed to the zippers would not be very practical on a rafting trip. Likewise, there are things a person must trim back on so they can make the trip. I have had to streamline my work- making my home life and work life as efficient as possible. For me, this means saying no to some things that I would have ordinarily said yes to. In addition, I have had to engage my kids in helping with more household ch ores. In short, I must relax some of my standards for the sake of sanity and in other areas “beef up” production and efficiency! My calendar is one area that helps me maintain focus and perspective.

I did not pick this path. I did not choose widowhood. God chose me for this job- for this season. I am a widow with five children. In this, I am learning to lean a little more on Him for He is the vessel that carries me forward in this journey called life- and WHAT A RIDE! So long as I remain in Him, I can have confidence in this river of life.

Shooting the rapids- with some confidence,

Julia
(c)copyright 2008 by Julia Moore. All rights reserved.

[Angeline W]

Dearest Julia,

God chose you because you are so articulate and knowledgeable! You have touched the lives & hearts of many. It has been such great comfort to read what you have been writing.

In Christ's love,

Angeline

[domoore]

Dearest Angeline,

Thank you so much!!!

Love you!

Julia