do we celebrate a dead man's birthday???

[domoore]

I am in a new season of my life. We have come through the holidays- focusing on the REASON for the season! It was my "first" holiday without him. The kids did well- and I did too. It was so pleasant! We have come through two of the five kids birthdays- and have three left to experience. All are new "firsts." Today, I was asked a very blunt question. It seems my husband's mother wants to celebrated his birthday. AAAA!!! My gut instinct is WHY? It seems at best enshrinement of the deceased- and at worst- another morbid way to remind us he is gone. I think she worries we might forget him... but we live with the reality of our loss daily. She would like to gather at her church and have a bit of a memorial service on his birthday and then release memorial balloons. I am having trouble with this. The kids did that once at the cemetary- the point being we were letting him go.... I would like to do my own thing on that day... So... Christian brothers and sisters... what do you think?

[RMora]

Speaking from expierence only, I feel like when a person dies, we have a day where everyone can Together celebrate that persons life, a funeral. We let baloons go as a symbol of them departing but in reality our loved one has already gone home.2 Corinthians 5:8 Says:
8 We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord. This verse for me is so encouraging for me..My 14 mo old nephew just recently died from abuse only 2 weeks ago and everyday I can't help to think of things I could of done to prevent it, if I had only known what was happenig to him. The one thing that helps me is to know that He is no longer suffering and God is taking better care of him than anybody else ever could of. So even though he's gone and I don't like to be reminded of his morbid death, I do love to remember him and the times we got to spend. I think that overcomming a death such as you and your family have expierenced is painful and doesn't seem fair, but I pray that you can understand that people all deal with death and remember him in there own way... for instance his mother. Yes, you were his wife! But She was his mother. And in a way I agree, I wouldn't want to have another memorial service, but what I can suggest since mothers day and his b-day are comming up is get her this childrens book called "love you forever" by Robert Munsch. And maybe in the book sign it from her son, Instead of going through that painful ceromony again. Even though he is not actually here, this may help her celebrate his Life and know that he is not forgotten. I don't know, that is just something I may do. And again i'ts just my personal feelings and expierence, I'll pray for your family and I'm sorry for your loss. God bless!

[domoore]

Hello RMora!

Glad you posted!

First of all- let me say how sorry I am for your recent loss. That must be so difficult. I can not begin to fathom your loss. I am so glad you have found comfort in God's Word. Another Scripture that might provide comfort is: Romans 8:35-39. Also- When David's infant son died- he was comforted by knowing that one day they would be together again- 2 Samuel 12:18-23.

I was encouraged by your thoughts and advice! Thank you!

Donald's birthday was back in February. After much prayerful consideration, I decided against going to the 'birthday' party. Donald's mother has suffered a terrible loss- one I hope never to experience. I think she was afraid we would forget Donald. We live with the loss- daily. Reminders of Donald are everywhere.

I believe she also wanted a bigger part in planning his funeral- although she never voiced this- I certainly think it is true. I went by myself to plan his funeral. He had already established with me- and the other speakers, singers, pall bearers- etc- what he his wishes were. I took no one with me- so I could think clearly- and fulfill his requests. I think his mother may have felt left out of the decision making-but Donald had already made most of the decisions before hand.

So, I think this birthday party-memorial celebration was her own way of planning out her own service to remember and grieve her loss. Donald's sister came to the 'birthday party' their mother threw in February and she confirmed my concerns. She shared that her mother had birthday cakes complete with presents, and 41 balloons to release, along with her own pastor offering a word of support -- many things about this would have confused the kids. So I am glad I didn't go.

I believe that celebrating a loved one's birthday is an individual preference. I have run into several others who have done these sorts of celebrations and it has really helped to propel them through grieving. For others however- it can perpetuate grieving. That is my biggest concern for my family. There is a delicate balance to this.

I will certainly look in to getting that book for Donald's mother. I am sure she would enjoy it!

Blessings to you!

[rkburroughs]

I just returned from a spontaneous birthday party my mother in law put together for my children, for my husband who passed away two years ago. My kids are 5 & 6 and they loved it but it was torture for me!!! I have stayed a part of their family after 14 yrs of marriage and two years after his death I still don't understand how they grieve.

The anniversary of his death was two months ago, our wedding anniversary was one month ago and now his birthday. I sent her flowers last year and we took her a vase of flowers this year when I dropped off the kids while I had an appointment with a client. She was teary eyed and the children were proud of the flowers they helped to arrange. I returned two hours later to pick up the kids and they were all returning from the store with a birthday cake, balloons and a wax #40 candle. I knew I didn't want to be a part of this so I said I had to return movies before 7pm and I left them with them. I just didn't want to go through such a thing.

I returned to find they were just lighting the candles. We sang Happy Birthday to daddy, the children blew out the candles, Papa took pictures and I sat there dumbfounded!!! All I wanted to do was run far far away. It was the most ridiculous thing I have experienced since his death.

We are christians and we know we are going to see him again. We talk about him all the time and I know that we need to teach the children who he is so that whey will know him. We recognize that daddy is alive in heaven and his spirit is the good part that we will be with in eternity. His dad is a pastor and a marriage and family therapist. I see their grief as so different from mine.

All I can tell you is I have no idea how to decline attending such an event but I wish I could have. I know you will grow stronger each and every day. Know that you can only grieve for yourself and others will grieve differently, but you are responsible for guiding your children through their grief and protecting them from anything that will make their process more difficult. My children loved it! I hated every moment of it!

Love in Christ
Renee Burroughs

[SpearMeadow]

It seems to me that the argument is a two-sided coin. On each side of the coin you have two women who love Donald, although in two different ways.

On one side is is mother - who had a relationship with him that no other woman in the world could experience. While they might share experiences, his birth is the single most important moment that the two of them will ever share - it seems only natural that she wants to continue to celebrate that moment even after he is gone.

On the other side is his beautiful Julia - who had a relationship with him that no other woman in the world had experienced. He knew her on the most intimate of levels, sharing himself emotionally and physically. You don't need a celebration in order to commemorate your lives together - they are bodily present each day in your children.

All of that to say that I can honestly see both sides of the argument, as well as the motivation of LOVE that is behind them both.

If Donald's mother wants to have a memorial service on his birthday, then by all means let her have it. Send your regrets, and your love, knowing that it is that wonderful connection that she has with her son that is leading her to want to commemorate his life. If you choose to let the day go without a mention, that is your choice, and an extension of the relationship that the two of you shared. You knew Donald more intimately than anyone else on earth, and you alone know how and when (and IF) he would want to be commemorated.

[dc4evr]

Ask the Lord what He thinks! Wait on Him and listen with your heart!
There is no one who is dead in Christ! WE are alive for ever once we come to know Him personally. I still do a little something on my Dad's birthday however I don't impose it on anyone else. I sure hope that you don't think I am comparing this to what you are going through just a thought that maybe like the above post mentioned we should be careful to see that others may grieve differently not right or wrong. You are very sensitive to others I appreciate that about you very much. Just maybe it is not so easy to be sensitive to a wanna be deceased Mother inlaw also!
Hope this doesnt' come accross to harshly I feel you are my Sister and that you really want to be honest before Him! I am trusting our friendship at the max with this.
Love Christie
Just looked at the dates here something seems a bit off to me maybe you can update me on what's going on here!

[domoore]

Dear Ones,

I appreciate your input and your heart on this! Christie- we can NEVER go wrong when we pray and bring things before the Lord! I really appreciate the input offered - from all of the different perspectives! SpearMeadow, I love the fact that you have put us all in a "mom's" shoes for further insight! This kind of varied and sincere input is what makes this thread truly wonderful!

Each journey of grief is unique and personal. So, what connects with one, might offend another. It is not a one size fits all approach. For me and my children, the best thing has been to remember Donald's death anniversary and birthday privately- and personally. I am very concerned about propelling ourselves through grief-- rather than perpetuating the process.

I tend to feel like Renee- in that a birthday "party" for our family-- was totally inappropriate. I can not imagine what it would be to have a party after nearly two years since the loss. What makes this truly difficult for the widow- is celebrating when the guest of honor is not there. It is a painful reminder that he won't have any more birthdays to celebrate with his family-- and also reminds loved ones of all that the deceased has missed during the past year. It is almost like taking a knife- stabbing the wounded parts of your heart-- and then twisting. This is true in my case-- it is too painful and seems to be a morbid reminder- rather than a celebration. But again- this is not true of all widows. Some have found great comfort and healing from celebrating that birth date.

In the end, I love what Renee has shared about seeing our loved ones again in eternity! As Christians we have this hope! Praise God!

I am SO THANKFUL for all of the wonderful thoughts and comments generated by this subject-- I know I have been helped and my horizons have expanded! I pray that our continued conversations might better help not only ourselves but others as well-- as we journey through this most difficult process!

Blessings and Love to ALL of my sisters in Christ,

Julia

[leefreeman]

I don't think it is at all weird, and could be a really effective way to mourn, to honor and celebrate the life, to put that life and death and loss into perspective of now. I would say further, that any method that feels right to you IS right, be it a party and cake with friends who also miss him, or a quiet celebration... and I think, if you want to celebrate again next year, go for it!

[simrnz]

Yeah, I celebrate my granma's birthday each year and also invite my siblings to come to my house and share the party. Birthdays are nothing but just a way to arrange a get together and chill with each other