Plain speaking...

[domoore]

My Dear Friends--

This is a letter I have written other widows- I thought I would share it with you... Perhaps it will give you a better view into the "heart of a hurting widow..."

I continue to journey through these jagged and treacherous places - where the landscape of sorrow is so uncertain.

Here is what was on my heart this morning-
"Dear Friends, don't be bewildered or surprised when you go through the fiery trials ahead, for this is no strange, unusual thing that is going to happen to you. Instead, be really glad-- because these trials will make you partners with Christ in his suffering, and afterwards you will have the wonderful joy of sharing his glory in that coming day when it will be displayed... So if you are suffering according to God's will, keep on doing what is right and trust yourself to the God who made you, for he will never fail you." 1 Peter 4:12-13, 19 TLB

Sometimes I feel this way- especially in light of Donald's death-- Sometimes the words of Scripture seem trite- and they mock me- "be really glad--"

C.S. Lewis in A Grief Observed writes, "Talk to me about the truth of religion and I’ll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I’ll listen submissively. But don’t come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don’t understand." (Page 25)

I can so relate to this- It must be part of the human condition- where the "gap" lies- the gap between our Theology (what we believe about God)- and our reality (The things happening to us.)

Stand steadfast in Him! Remain wrapped in God's never ending presence and love- Where ever you go- The Holy Spirit living in you is there too-

But this too can seem like a "Band-Aid" response-- a pat "religious" Sunday school answer which doesn't satisfy what we (as widows) truly long for- and what we long for is- what we had- the comfortable, the familiar- the blessed boring and routine nature of our daily lives- I yearn for the days of damned daily-ness! The mundane- the normal- we all miss that "normal" that we shared with our husbands. It seems like yesterday we had it- and yet - it was forever ago. We look around the room and note all that has changed- the seasons- our homes-- ourselves- and I still find myself longing for what I had- that which will never be again. As I recognize these yearnings- I find that dream vanishing as a vapor before me-- for it will never be... and I grieve all that I have lost once again. And so- what I want I can not have- and what I have (the Holy Spirit) I do not necessarily want... for where is the Physical companionship that I so long for? God, in His Holy Word says- that He will be a husband to the widow and a Father to the Fatherless- and yet how can that be- that He can be my Husband- Sure, I believe Him to provide and meet my every need- He has done so consistently and faithfully- He will protect me -- and has continually---But He can not come to me and hold me in the night time when I suffer and ache and hurt. The Bible says He will catch every tear drop- not letting one fall unnoticed- and yet I have wiped my own tears away- and they continue to fall- and I cry out to Him- and silence answers me! How can I reconcile the "husband" God is to me -- to my flesh? I believe God's Word- I know it is truth- But how does it filter down to me right here, right now- in my pain? We are frail creatures of dust. I can not hide these thoughts or feeling from God. I struggle with my flesh- for this is where I live- and this is what I know best. How can I reconcile my "Theology"-- and my "reality?"

Perhaps C.S. Lewis worded his answer to this dilemma best: "Why has no one told me these things? How easily I might have misjudged another man in the same situation?... Such was the fact. And I believe I can make sense out of it. You can't see anything properly while your eyes are blurred with tears. You can't in most things, get what you want if you want it too desperately: anyway, you can't get the best out of it. 'Now! Let's have a real good talk' reduces everyone to silence. 'I must get a good sleep tonight' ushers in hours of wakefulness. Delicious drinks are wasted on a really ravenous thirst. It is similarly the very intensity of the longing that draws the iron curtain, that makes us feel we are staring into a vacuum when we think about our dead? 'Them as asks' (at any rate 'as asks too importunately') don't get. Perhaps can't.
And so, perhaps with God. I have gradually been coming to feel that the door is no longer shut and bolted. Was it my own frantic need that slammed it in my face? The time when there is nothing at all in your soul except a cry for help may be just the time when God can't give it: you are like the drowning man who can't be helped because he clutches and grabs. Perhaps your own reiterated cries deafen you to the voice you hoped to hear.On the other hand, 'Knock and it shall be opened.' But does knocking mean hammering and kicking the door like a maniac?... Perhaps your own passion temporarily destroys the capacity."
Taken from "A Grief Observed" pages 45-46.

As a Christian, I am speaking quite boldly today- I am very plainly saying- these are things we must wrestle out... This kind of grief work expends a great investment of energy- and time before the Lord. I bring these things to Him- and to His word- but still- there are a great deal of questions left unanswered. This is where our faith steps in and fills in the gaps- to trust God- To turn to Him when we would rather not- when our physical, mortal self declares- "NO! You- God- are to blame"--- and the Spirit within- answers gently- "I am the Great I am." And so it goes- at least for me-- I wrestle with my faith- and often times- it is painful- and sometimes I quit- I simply quit--- I can not do it- do not have the fight in me and I find myself holding God back at arms length- declaring, "Not now---Not yet---" and yet God is faithful- He continually works in me, through me and in others around me-- and once again- I am drawn back into the gap--- and find my faith lifting me- keeping me buoyed out of my "reality" out of the "situation" that causes me so much pain and God allows me a much greater view of what He has in mind. He lifts me up out of the mire and muck of the pond I stand in- allows me to see the bigger picture- the entire landscape- It has been when I refused Him- and pushed Him back - that I slowly sink down into the mud and soon the pond waters of my situation engulf me- and all I see before me is the muddy water. It is there that once again- I am humble before my God- I seek His mercy and forgiveness- and His ever present love fills me-- and He alone raises me up from the mess I am in.

1 Corinthians 13:12
"For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known."

Stand strong-
Stay in the fight-
Keep the faith-

Julia