Picking at Scabs and Poking at Scars...

[domoore]

I have been blessed with an opportunity to attend a Biblical Counseling Course at Seminary. As it happens- this course is at the same seminary where my husband attended and from which he graduated.

I learned of the opportunity only about two weeks ahead of the first conference meeting. After prayerful consideration- I accepted this opportunity and began in earnest preparing for the trip to Texas.

We still have snow covering the ground here in Northern Missouri- and I welcomed the opportunity to leave this frozen tundra and go where it was warmer!

My mother insisted on coming with me- so I would not be alone.

We left early Friday morning and arrived in Fort Worth late afternoon. The sun was shining and warm. The sky was blue- and a sense of familiarity possessed me. I felt like I was going home! As we made our way past downtown Fort Worth, I positioned myself on the freeway- to exit at the hospital road. I got off and made my way to Allen Street. I remember it all quite well. I approached and then drove past the parking garage—where we had parked our van so many times. I longingly looked up at the hospital building—and wondered about the seventh and ninth floors- old haunts of ours. Donald spent a great deal of time there. We knew the hospital well—the cancer floor- radiology- the emergency room. Yes. It was good to drive past there. I had wondered as we neared this place- how I would take it-- would I fall apart? Would I be an emotional wreck- unable to function or attend class? But as I went past this place- past this hospital- which represents cancer- and Donald- and the diagnosis- the hope and the disappointments-- the hospital which is a link to my past- and tangible evidence of what once was-- I only felt a strange sort of peace and joy!

I made my way to the stoplight and turned left. I started going home… toward the campus. As I was making my way down Hemphill Street, I noted the businesses. None seemed much changed in the last two years. I came upon one of the old Churches which we attended—and they are in the next phase of their building program. I could hardly believe how much had changed at Travis Avenue! I then wondered about my church home at Cana- and how things were going in their building program. I will have to make a point to visit there on one of my next trips down.

On we drove. My heart was eager in antic ipation. I pointed out Ibarra welding where Donald picked up that huge Texas style Bar-b-que grill! We found our way to Seminary Drive and headed west into the late afternoon sunshine. My heart was giddy in antic ipation! I had traveled this road so many times. It was on this road that I had seen the “rainbow rings” around the sun! It was this road that had brought us to Southwestern for the first time—and it was this road that we traveled together as we left Texas almost two years ago.

As we approached the Seminary campus- I noticed again- almost as if it were the first time—the large, open grassy field which is on the East Side of the Student Village complex. I crested the hill- and turned right at the stoplight leading into the apartment complex. Nothing had changed. There stood the unmanned guardhouse in the center median of the street. The old apartment buildings lining either side of the street still remained unchanged. I came to the stop sign and spied our old apartment building. In front of the building were about a dozen kids, various ages, playing and running and riding bikes. Tears welled up in my eyes- and I found myself with a knot in my throat. I could almost see my kids in the mix! I put down my window and with great joy listened to them frolic and laugh and play- while the warm air rushed in to greet me. As I slowly inched past our building, I gazed at our first floor apartment and noted how it had changed with the new occupants. The enclosed porch was now full of pre-school play toys. We had used the porch for storage- and of course- that is where that huge grill sat for most of our Seminary stay! The blinds were all drawn shut in the widows. I loved having them open. Donald and I would love to see outside! But that was okay. It was no longer home to us.

Slowly, I crept past our old home. When I passed on by—I did not look at the other apartments- or really anything else on that street. My mind was toying with being home—and seeing the old apartment building where God got a hold of Donald and I and worked in our lives in amazing ways. This is where God touched us. This is the point where He brought our marriage to fullness. This where He ministered to us in such a tangible way—that we could see His hands working in our midst. This is where we learned how to walk by faith- and not by sight. This was where I left a large part of my heart- in Texas.

The warm air filtered in the van around us- and mom decided to call dad and let him know we had arrived. I told her as we approached the hilltop that there used to be dumpsters located at the end of the drive. Many a night I would take garbage up the hill just so I could get out of the apartment for a few minutes and call mom. I can remember calling her more than once and crying. Donald was so sick- and I was heartsick. It was more than my heart could bear. Up there on that hilltop I could see down town Fort Worth. That was the edge of that large open field. I suppose I felt closer to home there than anywhere else. At nighttime, I could look up into the sky and see a few stars even. I would sometimes sit on the curb just down from the dumpsters and pray- and cry out to the Lord.

When mom had finished talking to dad, we drove on down around the back street to view the backside of my old building. We got down the hill and I had to laugh. I knew as soon as we moved that our “good” parking spot would be taken! Sure enough it was!

I drove on past our building and back out toward the main campus- without looking back. I took great delight in driving toward the main buildings. We drove around the circle drive and on out and around the main drive around campus. We finally made our way over to the hotel and conference center.

The weekend was so good. My heart was overjoyed at being “home” in Texas. The warm, fragrant air. The bright sunshine and green grass. These things were most welcome to me! It was a time of picking at scabs and poking at scars- and I discovered that my heart has indeed healed. No blood was drawn from being back home where my life had changed so much- in so short a time. No pain was found when I circled around my old "stomping grounds!" My tears were ones of joy- at having had such a wonderful home in Texas. Joy at having such wonderful memories of God’s work in my life- and in my marriage. I felt joyful and full of love and awe and reverence at my Lord and my God- who delivered me from such pain and despair!

As mom and I journeyed back to our Missouri home on Saturday night-we were listening to a Bible teacher share from Joshua chapter 1. God spoke Joshua 1:2 to my heart that night. “Moses My servant is dead. Now therefore, arise, go over this Jordan, you and all this people, to the land which I am giving to them- the children of Israel.” God really impressed upon my heart that Donald is dead. God’s will is for me to “go forward” in His plan for me. It is now time for me to cross over into His promised land.

I think- should anyone ask how I am doing—that I will answer them—“I am blessed!”
For truly, I am!


copyrighted 2008

[dc4evr]

Julia,
How exciting it is that we are believers. That Christ Himself has appointed for each of us this time, this place, in which we have been called to His purpose. As Donald said it so well, "I wouldn't change a thing."
Ephesians 1:6 To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved.
7 In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace;
8 Wherein he hath abounded toward us in all wisdom and prudence;
9 Having made known unto us the mystery of his will, according to his good pleasure which he hath purposed in himself:10 That in the dispensation of the fulness of times he might gather together in one all things in Christ, both which are in heaven, and which are on earth; even in him:
As to your post, I sing for the Joy I know is your strength,
Love Your Sister, Your Friend,
Christie

[Angeline W]

Dearest Julia,

May God continue to show you His way so that you can help the rest of us whose lives you have touched! By the way the dinner gathering turned out OK.

Love,

Angeline

You have been given a gift and that is through your experiences others may learn of God and His depth and love.