Danger in the Darkness...

[domoore]

When I was first widowed, I do not mind sharing with you that I was fearful of many things. But perhaps the most embarrassing thing to admit is that I was afraid of the dark. It was a strange feeling for me to be the only responsible adult in the house- after all the lights went out. (Who knows who was in charge when it was daylight!—Probably Lauren—she is the “alpha” female in my household!)

But in the darkness—I was a little fearful at times. I knew God was always present with me- but still- I felt a little fearful of being alone in this house by myself.

There were times during those first months- I can recall waking up to strange noises. Sometimes- a mouse in the walls or ceiling made those noises. Sometimes the kids were guilty of making these strange sounds. Mostly, these noises were in my imagination. Some people have over active bladders- and others- have an overactive imagination. I think I might have both! And perhaps I can safely blame having those problems on having five kids?? Okay- I should at least get credit for trying!

Thinking back, I can recall times when the furnace would kick on- that first winter- and as the metal ductwork in the floors below me warmed up—it would expand making a peculiar popping sound especially in the kitchen- just under the floors. One night in particular, after taking some very strong prescription medicine for a sinus infection, I can recall hearing that “popping sound” for the first time and imagining someone creeping up the basement stairs to attack me. I was so terrified- and just prayed continually for what seemed like several hours. I sat quite frozen- still- and unmoving just around the corner in the living room doorway. My ears ached as I listened intently for more clues of who or what was moving around in my basement.

It seemed logical to me at the time—especially under the influence of prescription medicines- and being extremely tired. I would listen—when the furnace shut off- all was quiet in the house. When the furnace kicked on—that is when I heard “movement” in the basement. That is what I would do if I were an intruder in someone else’s home. I would move under the cover of “white noise.”

I was scared half to death- literally trembling. And then, as I listened, and I heard this “popping” sound- which in some warped sense in my highly medicated and adrenaline rushed state resembled the sounds of someone climbing the old wooden basement stairway. (I must have been in the twi-light zone!) I was petrified with fear. All I could think about was what I might do if this attacker ever got to the top of the stairs. I dreamed of an altercation between myself and “the would be” intruder- concerned with how I might overpower him- wondering if the kids would wake up and help me in any way. I imagined how I might best break into the gun cabinet and secure a firearm and ammunition. (Now that IS scary!) Why I didn’t just grab my phone and call my family—or the neighbor to the south (who happens to be a deputy sheriff)—I will never know! Perhaps pride? Maybe I was afraid of looking foolish------- (I will let you decide!)

Of course it didn’t occur to me after hearing the furnace run for several cycles- that IF someone was indeed climbing the basement stairs- they would eventually come to the top step and actually open the door! AND that if someone was climbing the steps—they should have- after 14 steps—reached the top—or maybe they were just climbing up and down the steps several times- without ever touching the basement door! Perhaps this imaginary intruder was some crazed “step aerobics” teacher gone yo yo—and she broke into my house—exercising like a maniac on my basement stairway-- ONLY under the cover noise of the furnace!

In my defense, I was so tired- and I had been so sick—that I was not thinking clearly. Besides this- I have a very low tolerance for any kind of medication- which meant that I was a little “out of it” or “doped up” from the medicine the doctor prescribed. I have never taken illegal drugs-or been drunk-- but I wonder if it isn’t a little like how I felt that night. Thankfully- I became so weary from standing still- and frightened for so long—striking an incredibly tense pose-- that I finally decided that I was acting silly. I was ready for fight or flight! So- I slipped over to the basement door and quickly propped a chair up under the door****—securing the door as best I knew how. And then I crept as silently as possible back to my bedroom-(reasoning within myself—that I didn’t want that intruder to hear my footsteps and figure out where my bedroom was located.) I crawled into bed- and fell fast asleep—asking God to please protect the kids and me.

Why is it—that we never are scared in the daylight? I mean, normally, we are not scared when we are in broad daylight. But at night time- in darkness- fear can take hold and grip us so that we can not even move.

While I imagined “danger in the dark” that night so many months ago—there is another kind of danger- far worse. It is also “danger in the dark” but this darkness is different than just speaking in terms of night and daylight. And this “danger” is far worse than imagined “dangers” that reek havoc in my mind.

I am thinking of the self-imposed darkness that we sometimes cause ourselves. We know Christ is the Light of the world—then the kind of darkness I am referring to- is the “nights of spiritual darkness” in our lives when we fall into sin- which when left un-confessed- continually separates us from God. Why do we do this to ourselves?

I can only speak for myself- out of my own recent experience.

It pains me to share this with you—but share I must. I have been angry with God. I have been VERY angry with God—and have in recent months—allowed a seed of bitterness to take root in my heart and grow. Just where do I get off- being angry with God? Who do I think I am?

As this bitterness grew—it cast shadows of doubt and darkness across my soul. My faith faltered, withered and shrunk-- all while this bitterness robbed me and grew in strength.

Finally- I sit in my own darkened soul—suffering because of my own sinful condition—sitting, soaking and souring in self-pity. Poor me. (Whaaa! Can’t you just hear me— How PATHETIC!)

And here is where the danger comes in—when we remain in the darkness. When we continually refuse God’s word- and God’s way. When we would rather sit in the darkness- alone and frightened- unable to move or act—refusing help of any kind. When we allow this kind of spiritual darkness to penetrate our heart—we do not think or reason clearly. We forget Who God is and what God can do. We sit paralyzed in fear- imagining all kinds of things.

Oh- I am so broken over this sin of anger at God. I have struggled with this for too long. God is faithful. Psalm 44:21 tells us that we can hide nothing from God. And my sin—is not hidden. I am willful- disobedient- and I have been angry toward God over being widowed. And there it is—I have revealed my heart. I hate this. I hate that I have let this happen. I hate that I have closed the Lord out of my life in this way- and allowed darkness to consume me.

But God IS faithful-- and patient—Don’t you just love that about Him? He has been continually working through others—complete strangers in some cases—to convict me- and to draw me unto Himself. I love that about God! He does as He pleases- and He is SO good!

And so—over this last week—I have been pulling those weeds of bitterness out of my heart and mind. I have been actively submitting to His will! I have been allowing the light of God’s love to penetrate every area of my heart—to break me—and to cleanse me. It is not nearly so scary now that the Son is shining in my heart and life once again! I can see clearly for the first time in months- Praise and glory to God! Life is good!

I pray that you dwell where the Son shines…

In Christian Love and Sweet Fellowship-
domoore
(C) copyright 2008

Dear domoore,
I write this to simply address your greater fear of being angry with God and reassure you of a very important biblical principle which relates to both your illustration of fear of the dark and anger. I would ask you to remember several scriptural verses that apply to your heart. first being that anger of itself is not a sin, but undealt with anger is. If you recall the passage that refers to anger in the new testament it says, "Be angry and sin not, and do not let the sun go down upon your anger." I would say this passage nowhere condemns anger but challenges us to deal with it righteously and immediately. This prevents the festering of a wound to the heart (not physical but emotional). Even being angry with God must drive us to God to restore the joy of our soul. Another passage very important is in Isaiah where God says, "Come let us reason together..." I love that. He doesn't say come and grovel at my feet and submit no matter what, but Let us reason. To reason means to sit down and talk it through, find the hurt that relates to the anger and deal with it where the hurt is resolved and the anger can be removed. He then says though your sins be as scarlet you shall be white as snow.
How does this relate to the darkness, I think in two way. The first is if we deal with our anger before the sun sets we can't allow it to fester and therefore we solve it on a small scale. As we let it delay we plant seeds of bitterness that can entangle our hearts and lead us to not just anger at God over a hurt but unresolved resentment over issues that we may have forgotten the source and then as we face the darkness we see no light and grapple with the pain alone and confused and in fear. God though, is the Father of lights with whom there is no shadow of turning and will always bring light to guide us home. If we have wandered in the dark too long though it can be blinding (Paul and his experience on the road to Damascus) requiring another to help remove the blindness that his light shining on us causes. Again though through this darkness God has not given you a spirit of fear but of one of boldness where you can cry Abba Father.
We all face life and events that are dark and painful and these can bring about cries of anger and misunderstanding. God is not afraid of these and He is more understanding than we want to give him credit for. It is we who hold onto resentments to cover our own hurts not Him. He gave us his son for those times and even when we think we walk alone in the dark and are afraid of what's hiding out there we can take confidence in that while we walk through the valley of the shadow of death (This must truly be a dark place) His rod and staff are guiding us. What a wonderful God he is and what a heart to influence us toward his greatness in all that he does and has us pass through. God bless you my dear friend and sister in Christ.

Domore I enjoyed reading your letter and would agree we all have rooted sin in our life and the closer we come to Jesus the more we will see it. The good news is the Holy Spirit is working with you on this area of anger in regards to the loss of your husband and we all can see He is useing you.
Do you think there are other areas that are related to this event that He is working on in you? for example the area of trust (we are not are own we are His) or forgivness on your part toward God?
I enjoyed what Doless had to say in there article they wrote to you. I love that verse where it says "come let us reason"
Don't turn your back on me God is saying come here I love you and I already know about your sin and hurts I'm your Father Domore and I'm here for you let me pick you up and teach you the leasson I have for you.
Praise Jesus for His love for us. Thank you for sharing your heart Domore!

[Angeline W]

Dearest Julia,

So very well articulated! May God continue to work through you and that He continues to give you the strength and wisdom to go forth to lead His flock.

Love,

Angeline