A New Husband...

[domoore]

As a young widow I have found myself contemplating my lot in life. I certainly didn’t choose this path. I did not wish to become a widow at 34. I did not ever envision myself as a single parent to five rambunctious children. My happily ever after never materialized as I had dreamed it would. Like most people, I assumed I would live to a ripe old age with my first and only husband Donald. We would weather the normal ups and downs of marriage and life- and sit together in our golden years regaling tales from our shared youth and yesteryears. It was just when we were seemingly getting the hang of marriage—just when we were experiencing a higher level of oneness in marriage—death entered in.

Donald’s life was complete. Mine continued. A new chapter has unfolded and I marvel at this path before me. As death ushered Donald into eternity- my life was shoved from serving as his wife in marriage—to serving the Lord as a widow. In a very real sense, it is all together sad to think about. I often think of my marriage. I often think fondly of Donald and how sweet marriage was to us. I try not to think in terms, which would exclude the bad- and magnify only the good. Such glorified notions of the “good old days” would only serve as an idol in my heart and mind- and serve no justice to the man I knew and loved and the marriage we once worked so hard for.

It is not unreasonable then, for me to begin thinking of the future and especially a future with a new husband. I have thought often about this very subject. I wonder what God has in store. There are certainly very lonely times now that I am a widow- even with five kids in the mix. I miss having someone with whom I can share the joys and struggles of life. I long for that oneness that I once enjoyed with my dear husband. I long to experience the freedom found in marriage- and the oneness from being knit together with my soul mate. My mind wanders off to some obscure future as a single parent- dating. How strange for me to think of this. And stranger still is imagining a man who would want to love me—warts and all. Beyond this, I begin to wonder what man in his right mind would want to take me and FIVE kids on in marriage and parenting??? That appears to be a lot of baggage and way too much trouble!

When I become discouraged, I often am reminded of Jeremiah 29:11 which says, “‘For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.’” These words plant a fresh seed of hope in my heart. This is not a “wishing” kind of hope that the world so often buys into. Instead, this is a hope born of God’s own Word- hope that does not disappoint. Romans 5:1-5 shows the progression into real, lasting hope. This is the lasting kind of hope- that is steadfast and patient—expectantly waiting for the Lord’s promises! Romans 15:4 gives further insight into hope saying, “For whatever was written in earlier times was written for our instruction, so that through perseverance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.” It is then through the clear instruction of God’s Word, perseverance in obeying His word- and the encouragement we gain from Scriptures—that leads us to real and lasting HOPE! We can count on God’s promises! I can have hope in God’s own Word! I can place my hope in the Lord. His promises are certain and true. His Word is faithful, living and active. He keeps His promises!

And so what of this season in my life? I am reminded in Psalm39 of the brevity of human life. “Let me know how transient I am.” says David in Psalm 39:4b. He continues in verse 5, “Behold, You have made my days as handbreadths, And my lifetime as nothing in Your sight; Surely every man at his best is a mere breath.” 39:7 says, “And now, Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in You.” I love that! David’s hope was rooted in the Lord God! David recognized the brevity of life—and that God is the supreme author and finisher of life. Hope comes from God and God alone. Anything else- is just wishing.

I have been troubled lately. In my own strength and timing I have wanted to hurry up to the “next” thing in life. At times, I can not help but feel that life is passing me by—and with it—all the good “opportunities.” I have a constant nagging fear of raising these children and growing old—all alone. I hate the thought of spending the “good years” of my life alone without some one special by my side. Worse still- is falling into this “fear trap” and jumping at the first seemingly good opportunity that presents itself—only to find out later- that I have acted in haste. Such a mistake would surely bring further heartache and complications- the results of which would far surpass the original grief that death has caused.

This is the cloak my companion called grief now wears: “fear.” I fear being alone. I more than fear it—I grieve it. I fear and then grieve never having love again- never sharing in the joy, comfort, and pleasure that comes from being united in marriage. I must continually be on guard against such thinking. It is such self-centered thinking that James speaks of in James 1:12-18. In particular, verses 14 and 15 clearly show the progression into sin. “But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death.” To be enticed is to be lured. Our thoughts are vitally important in this process. Proverbs tells us that as we think- so are we. I must be alert, sober and intentional in my thought life! I must have God’s word planted in my heart so I know truth- and can recognize and refuse temptation.

I now recognize- for the first time—that as much as God has called Donald home to Heaven- He has also called me to a season of widowhood. As much as I was called to be Donald’s wife for a particular season- I have now entered into a season of widowhood. I readily confess that this was not a welcomed transition for me. I enjoyed my marriage very much. I enjoyed serving and loving my husband. Donald himself even encouraged me before his death stating, “Julia, you are too good of a wife and woman to be alone. I want you to remarry.” These words were bitter and painful at the time- but I now recognize them as his blessing and prayer to me. But as soothing as those words now seem, I know in my heart that God has purposed this special time in my life to draw closer to Him. I am not to be distracted from Him or His work. My prayer is now- not so much—“Lord, bring me a new husband (now!)!” But rather, “Lord, help me to enjoy and relish this season of widowhood! Lord, please help me to live intentionally for You- seizing every opportunity to love, serve and obey You! Lord, let me be found faithful to You!”

During the last year, I have given myself to serious consideration of the Lord- especially as a husband to the widow. I have poked and prodded the notion of just how God is a husband to the widow. My own viewpoint has been limited and warped by my hurting heart- and tear stained eyes. I have wondered out loud, “Lord, how can you be a husband to the widow? The toilet needs repairing—and just how are You going to get that job done?” I would say such things- in a challenging tone- venting and spewing frustration and heartache as I went. After all, I had a perfectly good husband—and at least he could fix the toilet tank! (Not that God couldn't-- I was simply missing the tangible evidence of my husband.) And then, the next burning question to surface would involve intimacy. “Lord, I now know exactly what the Rolling Stones meant when they sang that chorus about ‘I can’t get no- satisfaction!’” I mean, a person doesn’t have five kids for nothing! Intimacy is a wonderful gift to marriage and sooner or later the surviving spouse must grieve this loss too.

But in so questioning the Lord—I am challenging God—and setting myself up as an equal to Him. HEAVEN FORBID IT! Just how do I propose to rightly discern God’s promise to be a husband to the widow- when I can not even begin to think clearly? By my very nature- my own heart is deceitful! The fact is—I can not begin to challenge and question God! He is sovereign and does whatever pleases Him.

When it all boils down, I must decide if I really trust God. I must decide if I can trust God’s Word. I know I can. I must then consider the role and function of a husband. I can no longer think in my own limited terms and experience. Human nature is warped and sinful. I can not think of God in terms of being a husband in the human sense. The physical consummation and oneness that is so often missed- is simply a gift to marriage- not necessarily a requirement of marriage. Even in my own marriage, physical intimacy ended with Donald’s advancing disease- months before he died. And yet, he was still my husband. What made him my husband? It was his faithfulness to me. It was his agape love for me. And in as much as marriage is a covenant between two—it was my faithfulness to him- and my agape love for him.

Is God a husband to the widow? I must answer this with a definitive and resounding YES! Absolutely! God is always faithful- even when I prove not to be. God is AGAPE- love! I can not even possess agape love without the work of His Holy Spirit in and through me! I have witnessed God providing for me in miraculous ways—and protecting me in personal ways! I delight in His never ending love for me—and the way He goes before me orchestrating events and details in such a way—that I find His finger prints on every aspect my life!

I am learning to be content in this season of widowhood. True, it was not a welcomed change. It was the single most painful event in my entire life. But I have found my heart has healed- and I am now embracing this new season called widowhood with a renewed sense of hope, joy, thankfulness, and peace! I am learning how to be faithful to the Lord and obedient to Him. And as I embrace this season of widowhood, I take great joy in knowing that He has called me and purposed me to be a widow as He continually draws me closer unto Himself.

[StepDaughter]

Hi Domoore... you're such a good writer and my heart goes out to you for the death of your beloved husband. Goodness you've got your hands full! You sound like a very loving and wonderful person (just from your posts that I've read) and I'm sure God has another glorious plan for you and your kids... for all of us! It's painful to wait and wonder. Grieving is certainly no fun. But from grieving, I believe, comes a stronger heart, and a deeper well to hold even more love. Even if that doesn't seem possible right now. You're next love will come and fill the tangible hole in your heart, I just feel it! I didn't want you to think your deep feelings and pain mixed with faithfulness went unnoticed or unfelt by strangers on the world wide web.

God Speed,
Jackie

[domoore]

Thank you so much Jackie!

I appreciate your words so much!

Blessings to you!

Julia