On "what if's," "not knowing," and "taking guilt trips..."

[domoore]

Dear Friends,

This is a message I wrote for my sisters in widowhood-
I felt led to share it with you here on the forums...

Blessings,
Julia

My Dear Sisters in Widowhood,

My name is Julia and I have been a member here (young widows group) for about 18 months. (Wow- 18 months-- I can remember being a "newbie" here- and reading messages from ladies who were one year or more out from their loss-- and I never even DREAMED that I would survive that long. The death of our most beloved is such a wretched heart break...the pain a physical one-- so real- and so bitter...) By way of brief introduction-- my name is Julia-- I was 34 when I lost my husband to Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He was a pastor- and was only 40 years old at the time. He had fought the cancer for 2 1/2 years-- it was a very aggressive cancer. Our children-- all five of them (bless their hearts!) were between the ages of 2-12 at the time of Donald's death- and within the week- they started school for the fall semester- at a brand new school.

I have been down a good part of this journey called grieving. I have noticed many things on this path. I would like to take a few minutes to share with you now…

In my own journey- I have noticed there are two kinds of widows. Now please understand these are my own feeble definitions. I have spent much time reading and studying and this is a little of what I have learned in the last few years. Some of this I have learned from my own experience- and some from the experience of others. These are layman’s terms—not meant to divide or diminish either loss- but to define and help us each understand one another better. Put simply- I noticed there are two kinds of widows—“slow” and “sudden.”

Generally speaking “slow widows” are ones who had 6 months or more advanced notice to prepare for the death of their beloved. I am an example of “slow” widow. My husband died from cancer. We knew for over a year that he was dying from the cancer. I lost him gradually over that year. He couldn’t walk, he couldn’t perform sexually, and he soon lost some of his vision and hearing. Later, he was mentally impaired. I went from knowing my husband as a strong, healthy, vibrant man—to a weak, lifeless man. We had time to talk about his death—prepare for the funeral—and yes- even say our good-byes. I had time to “pre-grieve” his death- but even though we had been expecting his death—and it truly was a relief when he did die—my body STILL went into “shock” at the time of his death. All of my body systems went into shock—every system was impacted—digestive, reproductive, hormones—everything. Even though much of my grief work had been started before his death—I still had much grieving after the death was realized.

A “sudden widow” is one who had 6 months or less to prepare for the death of her beloved—and in most cases—the death was as the name suggests—sudden—implying that there was little or NO forewarning. A sudden illness or an aggressive illness which takes the life of a loved one in less than 6 months time would qualify as a “sudden” death. I have learned from studying others- and from my own research—that again “GENERALLY” speaking- the first year after a sudden loss- is spent in shock—and the second year—is where the grief work really begins. BUT this is not true in all cases. These are simply generalities.

In my own case of “slow widowhood,” I had the opportunity to pre-grieve for over a year. Part of that time was spent in shock over the illness itself. I knew my husband was dying- so the grief work continued after his death.

Grief is a unique journey to each of us—and is uniquely fitted and fashioned around our lives and forged in our hearts and burned into our minds.

Now, with this background in place, there are a few things I would like to share regarding the subject of guilt—or “not knowing” and “what ifs…”

It is not uncommon for each group—sudden and slow widows-- to experience different kinds of guilt—

For me, the “not knowing” or “what ifs” wear a different garment than for others- again it is uniquely fitted to each of us. I have wondered to myself, “Did I really do everything to treat the cancer—Did we overlook viable alternative treatments?” “Did we go to the best treatment centers and doctors?” “Why didn’t I see the signs sooner?” “Could I have treated my husband more kindly- more lovingly?” Even when I knew he was in the last hours of his life—I questioned… The doctors came in and suggested we give him morphine to ease his pain. So I consented. Donald had done well without pain medication and didn’t require any- but at that point he was comatose and I consented to the morphine—not wanting him to suffer. Within about 3 hours- Donald was dead—and I still even today wonder if that liquid morphine sped things up for him. It still to some degree follows me in the shadowy recesses of my mind.

Others have shared about end of life issues—or sustaining life issues. They have had to “pull the plug” on their dear husband—and they live life wondering “What if I had …”

Some have endured the horrendous pain of learning that their beloved was murdered. Oh the wretchedness of man’s depraved soul! Where does one begin???--- There are so many questions…

Still others do not know the cause of death—theirs is the unknown. “Why did he drive across the median in the highway? Did his heart fail? Did he fall asleep?” “Maybe if….” OR a better question might be “WHY???”

Oh- I know your heart—and I know your pain. My heart is tender toward you.

These are NOT uncommon feelings or thoughts.

But let me hasten to add—you and I were never meant to carry a burden of guilt or responsibility such as this. Like most things in life—death is out of our “control.” I like to think I have a certain measure of control over my life—but like most of you—have discovered—that in fact—I have very little control. I can not even control my own body—whether or not I get cancer—whether or not I get the flu. I can do things to help prevent disease and illness- such as exercise and eating right—and we should all do those things. But most things are out of our control—we never had control over them to begin with. The exception is of course—our own attitude and response or reactions. We can allow the trials and struggles of our life to make us better or bitter—that is a personal choice we each must make.

And so in view of “what ifs,” “not knowing,” and “guilt trips”—I would encourage each one to recognize these normal feelings—and to keep them in their proper place. You did all you could. You can not stop death.

I have gained great peace and comfort from recognizing and knowing that God is in control of these things. He knows the number of hairs on each of our heads. He is so intimately aware of each of us that the Bible says—His eyes NEVER leave us. HE catches EVERY single teardrop that falls from our eyes. Talk about LOVE! He knows our pain- and has felt that same pain and loneliness.

Still of more comfort, the Bible also tells us—that there is a day and an hour appointed for each one to die—and after that the judgment. I have found great comfort in knowing this—because I am no longer responsible for my husband’s death. EACH person dies. WE ALL KNOW THIS! This is truth. And God has a day and an hour appointed for every single one of us here. We could not stop it—and to think that we have any control over such a thing—places us on the slippery slope of playing “god.” For our dear husbands—it was their appointed day and hour. WE do NOT hold the keys to death- and it could not have been changed by having “more faith” or better care—or keeping him home—or being with him on that day. Nothing would have changed that appointment. Death is never early- never late—but always right on schedule AND never on “our” schedule.

The question now begs the asking—How are you living life today? How are you living your life? Are you embracing this grief and this pain for the purpose of healing? Or are you running and hiding from this pain? You can run and hide in many things—the arms of another man, working too much, numbing the pain with sex, drugs, food or alcohol. Are you allowing and recognizing your loss and your pain—for the intention and purpose of healing? Are you embracing this loss in tolerable doses—so you are not overwhelmed??? (A good book/ workbook to help you do this is “Understanding Your Grief” by Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD)

Most importantly—is your heart right toward the Lord? Do you know Him as your personal Lord and Savior? Do you have a relationship with Him—I am not speaking of religion—which is empty and void. I am talking of a relationship- where the two of you communicate and fellowship one with the other. This is how I have survived. This is how I have made it day to day—and still do.

I am a young widow with five children. Without the hope I have in the Lord Jesus—I would have crumbled months ago. IT is TOO much to handle on my own. I can not do this on my own—nor were we ever meant to!

I write these things to encourage you—You are not alone. It does get better. Your heart can HEAL! Praise God—your heart CAN HEAL! I know the pain and agony of laying alone in bed at night—feeling the soft, cold empty spot next to me—and the great waves of grief that would wash over me. I would lay there by myself- retching and heaving—from the pain of it all- unable to speak—unable to move or even breath-- feeling my heart shatter into millions of pieces- hot tears burning and stinging my swollen face--– only to feel my heart shatter into millions of pieces all over again! Oh- I know where you are—in the darkness of death’s shadow—the despair- the deep, penetrating darkness—on the brightest, sunniest days. Merely existing and stumbling forward—in a thick fog—unable to focus and think clearly. Yes- I know and remember well those days…

But I also know that when a person embraces this kind of loss- with the intention of healing—embraces this pain—and the Lord with it—their heart will heal. You must trust the Lord—trust His timing—His plan—His ways are not our ways—His thoughts are higher than our thoughts… and while that is a difficult thing to believe when you are in the valley of death’s parting shadow- it is not impossible. You can trust the Lord.

I want you to know that I am praying for you – each of you—today.
My heart is never far from you—

I love you—
Sending you a BIG (((HUG!)))

Blessings,

Julia
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