Saturday Night Fever...

[domoore]

Saturday Night Fever…


I have something on my heart to share. When God burdens my heart—I must write- and recently—I have been writing a lot! I come to my office- where I turn on some light music- and today—it happens to be 1970’s music. I am in one of those moods—mostly mellow—but burdened in my heart to share. As I mentally gear up-- to open and spill my heart on the keyboard and screen—a familiar song plays—by the Bee Gees.

It must be a real medical condition- though perhaps there have been no formal studies or research conducted on it. I had never considered this before—but “Saturday Night Fever” must be real. I don’t care how old a person gets—isn’t Saturday night just a special night?

Maybe it is just me—but when I hit the weekend- I am so relieved and excited—until I remember that I have absolutely NOTHING to look forward to! (Except piles of laundry and running errands!) I come home and am blue because there is a void or emptiness to my life. I remember in the first months of widowhood how very painful each weekend was to me. I would struggle as the seconds slowly ticked by—each one painfully echoing in the vast emptiness of my life. Saturday night was by far the worst- though Friday night would also have this painful potential. It isn’t like “we” ever had anything to do. Donald would be home and I would be home with him. We were together. Sometimes we would just sit and read- or we would rent a movie. Often times we would go for a walk together- all of us! The kids would roller blade or ride bikes. I would push the little ones in the stroller and away we would all go. Donald and I would talk about our week- and things happening in our life together. Rarely did we have any “plans” but each ordinary moment was enjoyed together.

But in widowhood- the weekends hurt. In my heightened sensitivity and raw-ness to my fresh loss—I would be very aware of what “other” people were doing or not doing. In those first months—life for the widow comes to a complete halt. While we sit- fully clothed in grief and soaked in tears—the world resumes it’s normal fury and frenzy—becoming a complete blur all around us. The ordinary is no longer common place for the new widow. She looks across the drive to the neighbors unloading groceries—and is keenly aware of the “normalcy” she herself might have once taken for granted. She looks to the couple at church—obviously at odds with one another—surely over something trivial—and is filled with complete disgust and indignation.

At least this is how I have felt—I wanted to go up to the woman and throttle her! “Do you know what you have??” “Don’t you understand—you are ONE HEARTBEAT away from becoming a widow like me!??” “Don’t waste what you have!!” “Don’t take him for granted!!!”

And then, later on in my grieving journey, there were other things that bothered me—take PDA for example. (Public Display of Affection.) Good Grief! Do I need to see you holding hands and smooching! PLEASE! Get a room already! I miss that part of my marriage as much as anyone else does. I miss having physical affection and love. It was a gift of my marriage—and was a tremendous blessing- One I am sure I took for granted on more than one occasion.

But to see others enjoying one another in public—I would just become disgusted- and still do. It is a mix of jealously and a longing for my own romance. I have been attending a Biblical Counseling course this semester in Texas—and it happens to be a weekend class. There are many people taking the course- but in all those various people attending—I had to sit behind a young married couple. You know what I am talking about—attached at the hip—still in the honey moon- young married couple. There they sit—right in front of me. She has her hands on the back of his neck- stroking his hair. He will lean over and whisper in her ear- and they will share a private laugh. Then, once in a while- he will gently ease his hand over and rest it on her leg. Nothing indecent—but just a loving- little-familiar- light squeeze to say, “I love you.”

And there I sit—STEAMED! I should be paying attention to the lecture—but my attention is drawn to the couple in front of me. I am indignant at what I am seeing- mostly because of what I can no longer have. I mean—don’t they know that I am a widow?? AND that I am sitting right behind them?? AND that I can see everything they are doing!! HELLO!??? Can’t anyone see how much this hurts me?? And then it dawns on me—How often have I done the same thing- in church, in public, in front of other widows? I know that when I was first in love and married- I probably did- oblivious to what such a display might do to uncoupled, hurting women. Then my thoughts run something like this, “Why can’t I just be happy for this young couple? Who knows how long they will have together- and at least they are (obviously) enjoying one another!” It is a matter of my own hurting heart. It is a problem with my heart.

It is plainly obvious what my problem is—I am focusing on the “have-not’s” in my life. Good Grief— I don’t have a husband, lover, best friend. I don’t have the father to my children. At least those who are divorced have the benefit of their children’s dad alive and in most cases involved to some degree!

See how easy it is to focus on the “have-nots?” It is easy to see what I don’t have any longer. IT is so easy to look at the house across the street into the dining room and see what appears to be a happy, complete family—eating a meal. And at our own tables—there is an empty chair. Often times—we just piece around—too tired to cook- too tired to make an effort even. And then when we do finally sit down to meal—we can’t stomach the scene before us—that empty chair.

I am over 20 months into widowhood. These are things I have experienced. These are things that I have lived and felt. And I have learned that my own heart is deceitful. My heart feels things that are wrong. (Let’s just face it—I should never want to “throttle” anyone!) Love is wonderful! My focus must change. Instead of viewing life through the lens of widowhood (meaning I don’t have a husband/father to my children.) I have learned to view widowhood as a calling. Just as my marriage to Donald was for a “particular season,” widowhood is also a calling on my life for a “particular season.”

Widowhood is a calling. It is the single most challenging call I have faced to this point. Not only am I forced to embrace the death of my beloved soul mate—but in the same moment, I am also forced into becoming a “single” parent. Words fail to adequately express the fear, pain, and grief that face a young woman who enters widowhood.

As much as God has called my husband home to Heaven—and Donald’s time living here on earth was complete—SO too was my marriage to him. My marriage to Donald was fulfilled! We completed our covenant in marriage. We were faithful to our promise before God—and it was complete- lacking nothing. (Now in my own human eyes—there are many things that I feel are left undone- such as raising our five kids- but God has ordained that my marriage to Donald- and his to me—is complete. And quite frankly—even if he lived long enough to help raise the kids—WHEN would be a good time for him to die??? There is still life to be had together. DEATH is never welcome. What about grandkids? What about seeing our grandkids graduate and marry? No matter at what stage in life we lose our dear husband—we ALL feel cheated.) And what of our dear sisters in Widowhood who never were able to have children—or hadn’t been married long enough to start a family? Oh- the heartache! And so—as much as I have hated it-- I have been called to be a widow during this particular season in my life.

This is a tremendous calling on our lives. We did not pick it. Most- if not all—did not even want it. We went into widowhood kicking and screaming. And those first months and years as a widow are spent on recognizing and grieving all we have lost. It hurts. It is so painful. But as time passes- and as you learn to mourn with the focused intention of healing—you can hold on to this comfort: God WILL heal your broken heart. And soon, you can see these potentially painful pitfalls differently.

And this is what I am learning now. I am learning to look at the young lovebirds in front of me and rejoice in their love—rather than focus on my own “have-nots.” I am seeing my whole world colored in opportunity and my heart thrills and throbs at the potential I can see all around me! My goodness—I look at my children—I have such great kids! Young mothers-- Please don’t forget your commitment to them!! Your kids need you! Now, more than ever!

With my own kids-- I know they will more than survive without their dad—they will thrive—and not because of me—but because of God’s hand! I do not have to have a man living with me—or remarry—so my kids have a “male role model.” That is a bunch of bunk! I know many women who have chased men with this excuse—and their homes are ones marked with strife, heartache and discord. Find godly men in your own family—find father figures from coaches—and teachers at school- and church who can mentor your young sons. God will provide! God is a father to the fatherless—Let Him do this job! He does it so well!

Right now-- I have opportunity to faithfully be a mother- and to focus on these precious kids and their needs. When I faithfully sow love and peace in my own home—God will bring the harvest in a great increase! I will reap what I sow. If I am sowing love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control--- I WILL see these qualities in my home and more importantly in my children! What a sure promise from God! “Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6) I must lead—by being the example!

I am also seeing the opportunities ahead of me. When in marriage- I had to consider my partner in everything. Now, I am free to pursue a career in teaching. I am free to attend this Biblical Counseling Course at Seminary—which would have never happened if Donald were alive. I am growing and changing as an individual. (But never at the expense of my family. I do not consider myself “free” to chase after men for instance.) The person I see emerging from the months of grief, loss, and pain excites me.

As a young widow- I am learning how to view my weekends differently too. This is not easy to do. I still have a longing in my heart to be married—and to share life with someone special. And I believe in time, God will provide and meet this need also. But for now, I recognize- that I am not ready- nor are my children ready for that step.

And so what of these weekends—what’s a girl to do? Well, I am glad you asked! You see—there are many things we can do! A few weeks ago- the kids and I helped an older widow woman clean her yard. There are many service projects you can get involved in—from picking up trash along roadways—to preparing a meal for another young single woman and her family to come enjoy! A person can also plan a “girls night out.” I have done this- with my sisters. They are all married with children—and it was fun to get out—let our hair down—eat dinner (somewhere other than McDonald’s) and see a movie! We laughed so hard! It is also very important to schedule some down time for yourself. Make plans to do absolutely NOTHING! And then enjoy it! I have a gift certificate that was given to me at Christmas for a 30 minute massage session—I am planning a very special day to use this—one where the kids will be at Grandma’s and I take time to relax and pamper myself! Take a long, leisurely bath. Go for a walk or bike ride! Set a “date” night with a glass of iced tea- and a good book you have wanted to read! Exercise is a great thing to do for yourself—and has multiple benefits! The main thing- is to plan ahead. Don’t let your own inactivity blind side you with the “Saturday Night Fever” or you may find yourself out dating before you are truly ready! Make Saturday nights special for you and your family! (Yes, you are still a family without your dear husband!)

But more than this—purposely color your world differently. Take off those dark colored “widowhood” glasses once in a while. It is okay to that! Soon you will discover you have misplaced those widowhood glasses—and you no longer need them! Life will no longer be viewed from the standpoint of your loss. What joy—because your heart is healing! It is a relief and joy to begin to live again!

So my “Saturday Night Fever” has broken—I have plans. The kids and I will be going to dinner and a movie tonight. We have been working so hard these past few months- it is time for some fun! I am looking forward to taking my mom with us—and just having a night out on the town!

And now- as I conclude this letter—I am finishing my second cup of coffee- which by now—is only just warm. I have been enjoying the songs playing in the background which have brought forth various moods and feelings- thoughts and memories. But now a new song starts—which gives way to full energy and hope renewed! (I just love music!) It will be familiar to most of you—By Gloria Gaynor “I Will Survive!”

If no one has told you this- let me be the first—you will survive. Your dear husband’s Obituary may have read “survived by” and then listed your name.

But more than that—if you choose—you can more than survive—you can thrive! The choice is ultimately yours!

Survivor of more than my husband’s death--- Thriving in widowhood,

Julia

As a Post Script-- I use this phrase quite freely—“good grief!” I want you to know—there really is such a thing as “good grief.” Grief is hard work-but done with intention and purpose—in allowing God to minister to, quiet and heal our broken hearts- grief can be very good!

“Bad grief” happens when we just focus on our loss—and wallow in our pain and hurts. “Bad grief” consumes all of our energies and hope -- and left to fester- “bad grief” destroys our hearts.

“Good grief”—is painful—and takes focused energy—time—and lots of purpose in the work---but in the pain of “good grief” our hearts EXPAND in such a way that more love, life, joy and peace can be experienced and enjoyed! I know this from my own experience to be true!

So- let me encourage you-- by all means “GOOD GRIEF!”
(c) Copyrighted 2008 Julia Moore

[Shield]

I pray you had a wonderful evening with your kids. God bless you as you press on in God's purposes!

[domoore]

Thanks so much!
We had a great time!
What joy to get out for the fun of it!

[Deacon]

Wow is all I can say. You said a lot and you said it so well. Thanks so much for sharing those thoughts. There was food in there to touch all of us. May God bless you richly as you continue to share your heart with others.

[dc4evr]

Hello Dear Friend,
You express thoughts so well and not just your own. I mean I can see myself, hear myself and at times feel what you write. One part that really gave me some cold chills. not one of us is but one heart beat away from whatever God might have planned for us. It has often made me snuggle just a little bit closer even if it feels like sand paper at first a soothing balm seems to bring about a peace that passes understanding. Sometimes reaching up makes it so much easier to reach out. I find myself in prayer more, how esciting it is to esperience Him.
Love Christie

[marian prochter]

At Last! I am back on-line. My husband and I would have marked our 34th wedding anniversary on the 24th of April- Athursday- but I had an awful weekend. Reading this post saved my sanity after a weekend in the slough of despair. I met Julia on a widows' chat room, and I have since made the decision to move onfrom that chat room. However, I have made a few special friends, and Julia is one of them. She is a true sister in Christ to me, and I have been brought back to sane thinking many times by her posts. Bless you, Julia!
Marian