On Mother's Day....

[domoore]

Oh Joy- another holiday.

Mother’s Day…

Why can’t life be a buffet? Why can’t I just pick out the "perfect" life and live it? Why am I doing this solo? Oh my! I have hit another one of "those" moods. Really it isn’t that bad! (But you don’t believe me- do you!?)

No, this letter isn’t about me. Well- that might not be entirely true—it might just be about me after all! You know me-- better grab a glass of iced tea- or a cup of hot coffee! This is going to be another long one!

For you dear sisters in motherhood- Happy Mother’s Day! For you dear ones who have never had your own children- but have mothered plenty of other youngsters- Happy Mother’s Day to you too!

It is Friday evening as I write this—and I don’t mind telling you- I am completely wiped out. I am worn to a frazzle- and then some. I am so glad it is finally the weekend- though I have mounds of work to do—all weekend long. I really need to be busy with laundry- dishes- supper- mow the knee-deep lawn—mop out the flooded basement (again)-- go through backpacks and read all the Friday notes and look over graded papers. I have plenty to do—but I am pooped! Truth be told- I just want to collapse in a heap in the middle of my bed- and not stir for the entire weekend. That would be good! Let the house go and the kids run amuck! I am sure I would have a real mess on my hands by the end of the weekend- such a mess- that I would probably be tempted to just curl up and die! Oh well no one said this would be easy! But it wasn’t supposed to be like THIS was it?

And so- here you are—perhaps you are a single mom like me. My hat is off to you. For those of us who are widowed—all I can say is WELL DONE MOM! You made it this far- and you WILL survive even this! Hang in there! I know that at times- it can be tempting to throw open the front door and run down the street with your arms flailing in the air! You may want to run screaming at the top of your lungs—until that padded truck comes and picks you up for a medicated vacation at the local #2 hospital—padded room and nice warm and snugly (straight) jacket included!

I have been widowed now for nearly 2 years. In truth—I was a slow widow. My husband had Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and was dead 2 ½ years after the diagnosis. In that time, I slowly assumed more and more responsibility. It is difficult enough to be a married mother- let alone a single, widowed mother! I was married for 12 years. In that time, my late husband and I had five children. We wanted a large family- and were blessed with a large family! I thank God for my family each and every single day! But I never dreamed of being a single mother. I never dreamed of doing this parenting thing solo. It is difficult- every single day. Day in, day out—do the next thing—wipe a nose and then a dirty bottom, correct an erring one- kiss a "boo boo," make the next meal- do the dishes- keep just enough ahead of the laundry-so as to not be buried alive in piles of dirty underpants by the weekend! Work- work- work! It is NEVER done!

And- I must confess—I did try to lay down to take a nap for a few minutes this afternoon when I got home—but sleep was tormented and short lived. I simply went into my room and shut the door. The kids know and recognize that cue—"The door is shut-- leave mom alone!" But, as I fell into a fitful nap—thoughts of you were stirring. Thoughts of other single moms- of other young widows with children. Yes you- were on my heart and on my mind –in my prayers-- and I am burdened to write this evening.

Perhaps you are like me. I hate doing this "single parenting" thing. It is a gig I never counted on. Like many of you-- I was banking on a future with my dear husband. I was banking on living a full, complete life- with my mate at my side. But really- WHO ever gets a guarantee for that kind of life? It is by God’s grace that such marriages even exist- and they are truly few and far between. And so- here we all are- widows- and doing this "parenting" thing alone. Not one of would choose this. Not one of us dreamed of being a "single" parent. It is a long, hard haul in front of us—with little or no relief in sight. I am surrounded by five kids- and still so LONELY! I confess- that it is hard! But it is not impossible!

I write these things—not to discourage- but rather to share my heart. It is hard. SO very hard. Every single day- I live and breath- it is daily- and difficult. We get up- and put one foot in front of the other. We work- we come home to more work. We sometimes stumble. We sometimes crumble and fall in a heap—bawling our eyes out- our hearts breaking under the strain and struggle. It is lonely. It is thankless. It requires us to be the "adult" when we would just rather let some one else take over for a while!

But let me encourage you—it is good to be a mother. What a great load we bear--- and what great responsibility we have! And for me—I REALLY DO WANT TO DO THIS JOB WELL!

Ah, now there we have it! The heart of me- and the heart of my stirring thoughts! I have finally pinned it down! I want to do this job—and I want to do it well! Something tells me you do too!

My sisters in widowhood- while you and I never picked this road—here we are—widowed- and single parents. Let me share my heart with you now. I am so burdened to share- and share I must. As I write my thoughts- I am led to share with you about our "families"—so here goes… some of my thoughts on "families"…

COMPLETE FAMILY: First of all—you are a complete family as you are! Yes- without a husband and a father to your children—you are complete! It is a mindset really- and a mindset that you must choose. Begin to look at your world as "complete" and lacking nothing! For the first few months of widowhood- the focus is on the loss of your soul mate and father to your children. But as time progresses- you can and should begin to view your home as a complete family unit.


There are times that I still will see other seemingly "happy couples and intact families" and feel the stinging reality and pain of my own "single parent home." But I don’t let such thoughts dictate my present moment- or future! (IF I chose only to look at my life in view of my loss—I would soon try to "replace" what I have lost. Heaven forbid it!) I chose to live above that- and make the most of my "single parent home!" I am not waiting for someone to come and rescue me out of this situation! Far too many moments are lost- waiting on something or someone that never materializes! We must learn to seize the moment and all that is in it! And in this moment—I need to choose to see the fullness of my own home- rather than the empty chair across from me! You can choose this too! You are a complete family—as a single parent to children! Embrace this truth- and begin to live from it!

HAPPY FAMILY: I am reminded of the saying, "If Momma ain’t happy- Ain’t nobody happy!" Take this to heart- Write it down big and plain--- As a woman, you have great power to set the tone in your own home. If you are having a bad day- guess what—the kids reflect that same attitude! If you are sour, bitter and full of strife and unhappiness- the tension will be so thick in your home- you could literally cut it with a knife! If you determine to have a good day (even though your basement is flooded up to your knee caps for the hundredth time this spring and you have to take a swamp boat to cross your basement to do laundry—okay- so you caught me--I am talking about me again!) ANYWAY—If you determine to have a good day—the power in that one decision ripples forth into the entire household! (Now, just why did the word "ripples" seem appropriate there!??—Must be that flooded basement again!) Hooray! WE can all have a good day --(Put a positive spin to life-- just think-- I could take up recreational fishing in my basement!) Hooray! We can have a PEACEFUL home- which is a REFUGE from the crazy, hustle and bustle world outside! You deserve a peaceful home! Your kids deserve a peaceful home too! Live, love and laugh! It is good for you—and it is good for your kids! Have a HAPPY home- and a HAPPY family!

STABLE FAMILY: I must confess- this step takes time and lots of it! You must decide EARLY on in your loss- to set some boundaries for yourself- with the end goal of "STABLILTY" in mind. Boundaries are VERY good! We must be very careful of what we allow into our lives. We MUST be the adult! Our kids need us now more than ever! We must provide a stable, secure, steady, predictable home environment and life. This means that we must set some clear boundaries- for not only our kids—but also for ourselves. One of the very FIRST boundaries and one of the best things to do for you and the kids is to decide to NOT make ANY major decisions in that FIRST and in some cases SECOND year. (okay- I am using CAPS—not yelling—but emphasizing only!) This one decision alone will produce stability. Stick to it! I had opportunity to date within the first year of my loss—and because I had made this decision for myself and my family—I said "no!" Looking back now—I am SO glad that I did! I needed time to heal. I am still healing—and discovering "who" I am as Julia. This takes time! I am excited about my future! But I recognize I still have work to do on "me." Take your time in healing—time is on your side! There is no hurry!

In my own case, I have witnessed countless other single moms remarry or take in a live-in boyfriend. Now please be clear on this point—I am not judging anyone. How can I be—I do not know any one’s personal life here. I do not want to be offensive. I am sharing from my own personal observations as a schoolteacher. In so doing, I am not making reference to anyone on this site in particular. But I do feel that there is much we can learn from other people’s choices. And as a teacher, I can not help but notice that kids who come from homes where mom is carefree in her choices and openly welcomes men into her bed and home—Those kids—generally speaking—have the most difficulty in school. They are also the ones who are in trouble- back talking, defiant and rebellious. And in a similar pattern, these kids will adopt the same kind of lifestyle- only more so—sleeping around at younger ages--and giving little regard to how very precious they really are.

I can not stress this enough—Whatever we do as mothers—will be imitated by our children. We will reap the very behaviors and attitudes that we sow. If you drink like a fish swims—your kids will eventually do the same. If you allow many men into your heart and bed—your kids will copy that behavior- at younger ages and more openly. Please be very careful of the things you do. Little eyes are watching and learning from you – all the time. Be resolved to be stable in ALL your ways!

I have said this before- but it is worth repeating: My future happiness does not so much depend on having a man by my side- as it does to raise happy, healthy, mature, responsible adults. I must do this mothering job well today—and every single day- from here on out. I am the adult. I am the mom. It is my job! There are worse things in this life than to be a widowed woman with five kids to raise on my own!

Imagine with me for a minute what kind of heart ache a person brings upon themselves when out of "neediness" they give in to the first seemingly "good" man to come along. I personally know a young widow who did this- and married this "good" man. Within days of their marriage- he announced that half of her stuff was "his" and he wanted his half of her late husband’s insurance money! I also know of another who jumped into a relationship out of loneliness- only to find out later that this new "husband" was abusing her children! Insult to injury! May it never be for us! This is wasted time- and wasted years! Please be patient!

OH- Ladies- please hear my heart—there are far worse things than to be alone on Friday or Saturday night- and a single parent! You could be lonely and stuck in a miserable, abusive relationship!

I write this as much to me-as I do to you! Wait! Be patient and wait on the Lord. There are so many things that are out of our "control." Widowhood was out of our control—but now that we are here—WE do not have to make things worse! We can choose to embrace a better life RIGHT NOW!!! Make good choices for you and your family-RIGHT NOW!! Set the bar high for yourself- right now!! You are so worth it! Your first marriage and your FUTURE marriage (if you so choose)- your love for your late husband and your love for your future husband (if you so choose)—and above this-- your love for your children—these are things that should motivate you- to keep your own bed undefiled. Do not insult the memories of your faithful marriage out of loneliness! These are things that should propel you to choose to live an honorable life- one of right living! If not for yourself—then for your children!

So, I encourage you -Mom—be stable. Be steady and predictable. IN everything you do—think of your children. You are no longer "single" as the world would have you think—but you are part of family- you are the head of your family—and your kids are counting on you to do your part. Lead them well! Be there for them. Don’t allow your attentions and affections to go "roaming" in search of companionship. (Listen—I know how it is to be lonely- and alone. The Rolling Stones said it best, "I Can’t Get No Satisfaction!" I know how it is to face a cold empty bed night after night!) Companionship is not bad—but companionship should never come at the expense of your kids! We can re-marry and be very happy! I hope to remarry one day—but I recognize that I must make good choices - more so than when I was footloose, fancy free- and BC (before children!)

Let me encourage you-- You must focus on this job first. You are a mother- first and foremost. IF God wills that you re-marry—and I believe He will for most of us—then in HIS timing- He will bring it to pass. In the meantime, be patient- and get busy loving and caring for those precious kids! You have a big job to do! Your heart must heal- and their hearts must heal. Make your home a STABLE one! Learn to be happy and content and complete on your own—anything less- shows some level of co-dependency on your part… may that never be!

So- we have talked of being a COMPLETE FAMILY, HAPPY FAMILY, AND STABLE FAMILY. What next?

[domoore]

Continued...

So- we have talked of being a COMPLETE FAMILY, HAPPY FAMILY, AND STABLE FAMILY. What next?

A MOTIVATED MOM: You are the mom. You are in charge! Set your standards high- not only for yourself- but also for your kids. You don’t have perfect kids- nor do I! But we can and should encourage, love and nurture our children to be the best that they can be! Moms- if it is to be—it is up to us to get the job done! It isn’t for the school to do, the daycare, Sunday school, church, grandparents, or community! It our job to raise the children properly! (Ouch!) Invest your heart, soul, blood, sweat and tears in your kids! Believe me, it is an investment worth making! And it is one you will never regret! There is a Proverb which says, "Train up a child in the way in which he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it."


This requires my all- every single day. I know if you are like me—you are spent at the end of each day! But let me remind you-- this life passes by quickly! Keep this motivation in front of you! When I am on my deathbed—I want my kids to gather around and remember what a fun, loving, hard-working mom they had! I want them to talk of all the good times- and I want there to be plenty of good times to choose from! It will matter very little then- how I kept the house all these years– (Though I imagine stories of our flooded basement might just re-surface on that day—It has been that traumatic!) I sure don’t want them to remember a mom who "had lots of boyfriends" or failed relationships-- I want them to remember a woman who was mature- and self-controlled and selfless in her choices! I want them to remember a mom who had right priorities- and sometimes let the house "go" to spend time with them! I want them to remember a mom who was "there" for them- and helped them during the growing up years. A mom – who was fully woman- that is to say—"human"—able to admit mistakes- ask forgiveness- and freely forgive out of a heart of love! A mom who was fully available to be their mom! I want to impart in them- a little of me—Above all, I want to impart my love and devotion for the Lord to my children!

So this Mother’s Day—I am thankful for my own Christian mother! I am thankful that I had a good example growing up—and that my mom is still alive to encourage, help, and pray for me! Thanks Mom!

But more than this, I am challenged this Mother’s Day. This letter is a letter of self-declaration. I want to declare to you my own heart- and encourage you each to do the same! LIVE INTENTIONALLY! Life is so short! We know this! Wake up! Decide to live life to the fullest! Embrace this moment—this moment of aloneness- this moment of widowhood—this moment and GIFT of single parenting! It is a tough row to hoe—but you are not alone! You are not the first person to ever do this—nor will you be the last. How will you finish your race? How will you choose to live your life—and invest in your family? How will your kids one day speak of you- and remember you? Will they celebrate your life? Or will there be shame and regret tucked away in each of your hearts for poor choices and selfish living? Live intentionally- Mom! Live in such a way- that there is no room for regrets!

Now go out there and give it your best-shot mom! You are the hope and love of the future!

It is up to you!

May God give you courage, grace, strength, patience, kindness, joy, hope, rest- ah- sweet blessed rest, and a full measure of love to do this job- and to do it well!

As for me—Look out laundry—I have a renewed spring in my step- and am full of vigor and am ready to run again! I shall tackle a load of laundry- and then lavishly love on my kids before I send them off to bed!

Running my race with endurance,

Julia

(c)copyrighted 2008 Julia Moore

All rights reserved.